My Slow Descent Into Health

Day 34

Today started out with a whole bunch of negatives.

I woke up and told my husband, “I didn’t sleep well last night. My baby was up all night. I feel like shit. I’m not going to work out.”

Then I heard, “You shouldn’t dye your hair purple. I would be put off by a professional with purple hair.”

Then I fought with myself and decided to go because, what if it makes me feel better? Maybe I can take out my aggravation on the work out. But I was still kind of, “in a mood.”

One of the things we were supposed to do during the work out was a hand stand and stay there while your partner did dead lifts. I stood there alright.

“I can’t do a fucking hand stand.”

Oh man the shit that comes out of my mouth. Ass Kicker told me to run and get a box and had me do a modified hand stand. It was tough, but looking back, I kind of wish I had instead asked for direction on getting into a hand stand. But my moody ass attitude made it so I couldn’t even attempt my possible full potential.*

Another thing we did today was push a sleigh thingy that weighed over one hundred pounds about one hundred meters. That hurt. But I have learned through previous work outs the difference between sore and like hurt, hurt. This was pain, but it was constructive pain. So I looked at the peg in the middle of the sleigh. I concentrated on that thing so hard, if telekinesis existed, it would have bent. I pushed and ran. This wasn’t on grass people. I live in the Middle East. It was on a brick road.

Now why can’t I do that when the negativity comes around? Why I can’t say, “Sleep? Sleep is for the dead.” and laugh and just go on with my day? Why I can’t I say, “Thank you for your concern. I appreciate that you care, but I definitely have lived enough to understand and weigh the consequences of my actions. I have never minded setting myself apart and putting myself out there,** I think having purple hair will make me more approachable. My boss doesn’t mind, and I can’t really make every one happy. But I can definitely make myself happy. And that’s what I’m going to do.”

You ever let things get to you and just look back and say, “Why did I let that bug me so much?” Well fuck all that. Don’t let it get to you. If I can turn around and decide to work out anyways, I can turn around and decide not to let that negative shit rule a moment of my life.

What I have eaten: eggs, salad with chicken for lunch, and steak with butternut squash is coming up for dinner. Excited!

What I didn’t eat: The cravings were there today. I didn’t touch a thing from the candy by the check out at the grocery store. I didn’t eat the pretzel’s I was giving my child for a snack.*** I didn’t get pizza with my husband for lunch. It’s crazy how much all the stuff I would have had during my days adds up to insane amounts of calories. I am seeing things now I didn’t before. Like how we can eat pizza and bread sticks and not feel full. That’s nuts to me. I could only finish like three fourths of the salad I made.

Work out: Madness. Complete and utter madness. Ass Kicker is insane. But I do love her for it.

Signing off.

* I probably can’t do a hand stand for long. I am still a very heavy woman after all. I do wish I had tried though.

** If you’ve read my blog, you know this.

*** Not one. That took some serious self control. Pretzels are my snack.

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