My Slow Descent Into Health

Day 53

My husband is so different than me in some ways. For instance, he likes everything perfectly neat. I like a little bit of chaos. Well, not that I “like” it, but I function well with it. He can play video games for hours, I can read for hours.* My Loml** can tell me he’s really considering changing his career path two seconds before sleep, I am then wired and trying to fix my life plan to coexist with this new reality and don’t sleep all night.

All it really comes down to is that the luxury of being thirty years old and “still not sure what I want to be when I grow up,”*** is coming to an end. Just like my weight, my life goals have gone up and down and all over the place.

I’ve spent so much of my life not finishing things I think I have a fear of failure.**** Every time that I started something to adjust myself and my direction in my early adult years, I failed miserably for many different reasons. Some were out of my control, and some failures were because of misinformed/naive decision making. I had started all over again not long before I met my Loml. I had already been married for seven years, and divorced when I met him, so he actually had to deal with my trust and accomplishment issues a little as well. I was about to go to school again when we married, but when we got married things just kept changing (this is where I should hashtag “milso life”) and I kept making the decision to be supportive and care for the children. This isn’t to say that it’s somehow his fault. It isn’t at all. Every decision made were ones we made together, along with ones that I really had to make for myself. Weighing out the stresses and what I could handle all at one time was a big part of it. My lack of “accomplishments” rests on no ones shoulders but my own.

I’m about half way to a degree right now, and most of what I’ve done has been general studies. What I really want to do is write. I tried two classes for management and dropped that really quick. Nothing tells you that you don’t have an aptitude for something like studying for six hours and still flunking a test.***** Now I have to go back to the drawing board and get my plan together. I need to finish something and have it go with sturdy plan. I will continue writing (beyond this blog) and plugging away at that, but I need to figure out my money making “mean time” plan.

My husband suggested that I would do really well at Human Resources. He is probably right. I’ll write more tidbits about the plan as it goes. This life thing and the random stresses doesn’t seem to feel conducive to not binge eating but failing at weight loss isn’t an option. I think the goal is to continue on the path to success in weight loss, and transfer some of that positive motivation into myself in other areas of my life as well.

Signing out.

*Unless it’s Minecraft or Diablo. I can get down with playing those for some time. I guess this isn’t a huge “difference.” Usually all that matters to us is that we’re sitting together or chatting during this time.

** Pronounced “low-mull,” stands for “Love of my life.”

*** Long standing joke, don’t judge me.

**** Or success. Either way.

***** Whomp whomp.

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